Imagine waking up one morning, making toast and coffee and then turning on the news to find out that a zombie epidemic is quickly taking over your city. You now have to leave asap, and the first question any cannabis enthusiast would ask is, where do I put my stash so it’s safe from zombies, looters, and nosey Halloween party guests?
Believe it or not, there are actual societies and groups dedicated to training individuals on what to do in case of a zombie takeover. And before you even ask, yes, they are for real.
The real-life definition of a zombie is not the popularized dead bodies coming back to life and eating brains. It’s more like if a highly contagious disease that also eliminated higher brain function were to make its way across humanity. In that scenario, you would have animalistic people roaming the Earth with a thirst for blood and no conscious reasoning.
Diedter Stadnyk runs the Zombie Survival Camp in Toronto, and together with a list of talented instructors, they teach important skills that include martial arts, weapons training, and other necessities for when the proverbial shit hits the fan. He has some very helpful advice to protect your bud from the walking dead.
First and foremost, Stadnyk wants to put our minds at ease and let us know that zombies are after our flesh, so we can all rest assured they don’t want our marijuana. “Zombies wouldn’t even go for it, they’re going for other humans.”
Having said that, there are still important factors to consider when trying to keep your ganja during Armageddon.
If you happen to be approached by a zombie, and this uninvited guest is slowly creeping toward you looking for a meal, it may help to quickly light up a spliff and blow smoke in its face. Stadnyk says that the happy smoke in their undead eyes would certainly confuse the vicious monster long enough for you to make a getaway. “Their eyes are the same as ours so a smokey room for us is the same as it is for them.”
In regards to where to keep your stash safe, that’s where Stadnyk’s army training comes into play. He says the best location would be your front pocket of all places. “I served in the military and your first aid was always in the front-right pocket of your tactical vest. That way if a guy went down, someone else could go into his front right pocket and know that there was first-aid that they could treat him with.” Stadnyk added that he would apply the same principal for marijuana.
But there’s more to the technique than just putting pot in your vest to keep it safe; you also need to keep your weed dry. “The second part is waterproofing. Twice the protection, twice the guarantee. You have a Ziplock baggie [with your stash]and you put that Ziplock baggie in a soap dish and tape that up.” That way if you have to cross a river or swamp to outrun this ferocious inhuman, your weed will make it with you.
Another important question is, what happens if it’s been a stressful week fighting these soulless beasts and you have smoked more than your usual quota? Your pot resources are quickly depleting and all the dispensaries have been raided and cleaned out (by zombies and looters in this case, not cops).
Stadnyk says that in this instance, one should find a discreet location for planting and cultivation, and then send the coordinates to others you can trust. That way, in case you’re injured and need some sweet relief, someone can go for you. Or if you meet your untimely end, you can pass your crop on to those who still need it. Like a marijuana organ-donor card.
To protect your precious secret crop, it’s also important to have a fence around it. “You don’t want zombies to trample on [your weed], so you’d want to think about putting up a fence that would keep deer out. Zombies will go in a completely random direction and they can trample right through it.”
Stadnyk is quick to point out that marijuana would also have many uses during the end of days. “You’re hunkering down for the night and everyone [in your group]is really stressed out, this is something that will mellow people out.”
Finally, some important science tips. If you happen to be in a situation where you’re in an enclosed space with a zombie, and a real AK-47 is not available, the pot version of the AK should do just fine. In fact, hotboxing may actually have some effect as Stadnyk points out. “I suppose they would be susceptible to the same influences that a human would, but the last thing you’d want is a zombie with the munchies.”
I think we would all agree.
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